"From the glistening of a rhinestone crown to the dull glimmer of parking lot lights, I found myself homeless living in my car."   
                  

"After years of swimming the torrid waters of denial, I finally saw that coming out soaked was better than staying in and drowning"

    I lived, fought and beat the unwelcome effects from mismanaging my disability.  After the Army, I was debilitated to bed for over 6 years. Chronic pain, depression and the negative side effects from my dependence on prescription medication all had a hand in altering my life for the worse. The added physical tension to my declining mental health led to a divorce and the painful separation from my children.

     In the mist of my misery, despair, loneliness and the turmoil of mass confusion, I entered blindly into an unhealthy relationship. His struggles with his own personal battles; diagnosed sociopath or Anti-Social Personality Disorder (the new term), a life long addict, and his submission to his inner demons gave way to life changing events in my life. It  truly rocked my world off its axis like planets out of alignment.

       The unexpected turbulence and shrapnel from that tornado like existence in my already turned upside down world, threw me into one crisis after another, until I was completely lost, broken and destitute.  Our life was completely unmanageable as his addiction grew increasingly worse.

     After a short time in our marriage I saw that being homeless, even in my chronic condition and my mental instability at that time, was better than staying where I was. It was there in my brokenness and almost the loss of my life that I returned to my first love, Jesus.

     My husband found new enablers and continued living in denial, deep in his addictions that tragically led to his drug related death.

        I finally saw my part in that life, accepted responsibility and vowed to make a turn around.

     Today, I still struggle with my disability, but I am no longer homeless, my mental health and quality of life is much improved and am working to reconcile with my children. It still is a daily process sometimes moment by moment.

     I am grateful my parents taught me to have faith** in a gracious, loving, and forgiving  God, and my mothers' Japanese philosophy and teachings directed me to a more tranquil life. 

The secret was to accept myself as Christ saw me, and to live in HIS peace and joy even in my suffering.

     Their teachings to trust in God,  live by faith and not by my fluctuating feelings, became the guiding light in my healing. How could I not return the gift of renewal for my new life by showing the light to others?

    Please know that anyone can recover from the wreckage of his or her actions as well as from the fall out from another. I did, and If you are there...so can you!  For you are NEVER so lost, or so down and out that recovery is not possible.

     However, you cannot do it alone, I believe a relationship with Christ is the most important first step. Then a strong, stable, healthy and validating support system is essential for recovery. You MUST get connected, It is in relationships not isolation that we grow.  Even if it is in a shelter or treatment center.  Stay there, stay still, stop the madness of running around, and being senselessly busy. (Busy stands for Being Under Satan's Yoke)

     I have been there and done that. I may not feel your exact feeling, but I understand what you are going through and know it is tough.

     Yes, I know I am being transparent here, but it is the only way I know how to stay the course and keep accountability, and that is In the open and in His Light.Kathleen Dardis